Where Are Your Manners ... From?

A harmless phrase is making its rounds within my office. In response to any piece of information, however neutral or pejorative, the average co-worker in my office is liable to respond with: "I see I see I see." No commas, soothingly intoned, and always three times.

The phrase originated from one of the kindest and most pleasant of my colleagues. It was adopted initially as a joke, partly because of the adorable pleonasm, but primarily because we knew that the originator would be able to take the gentle joshing (he is, after all, one of the kindest and most pleasant around). But now, increasingly, it appears that the phrase is here to stay. We use it outside work; we use it with our bosses; we use it without the slightest hint of irony, even amongst ourselves.

It was only a matter of time before my wife observed to me: "This speech tic of yours, 'I see I see I see', it's one of your more pleasant catchphrases. Why don't you hang out more with nice people and learn their good habits? You always say you don't know how to talk like a normal human being."

I responded: "What are my unpleasant catchphrases?"

Wife: "Wah so many. 'Wellrr ...', 'Unnoe ...', 'I don't think so that ...', 'Sacrificeeeeee', 'I juz a little dolphin', 'Truth, if it exists at all ...' aiyah you know that irritating quote that doesn't make sense."

Me: "I see I see I see."

With the inauguration of my first pleasantry, I feel much more well-adjusted to the world, which - truth be told - was heretofore quite inscrutable. I would talk to people and offend them in less than three exchanges; I would dispense advice and the odd witticism and wind up with an audience of tears; I would point out what everybody wanted to say, only to have everybody pillory me in response. "She's stupid." "So bad!" "OK then you're with stupid."

Well, no more of that. Now, if anybody says anything idiotic, I can simply whip out my handy new standby. One plus one is three? I see I see I see. You want to go on leave at the same time as me? I see I see I see. Mama you want me to drink this tasteless and nutritionless soup? I see I see I see.

It will only be a short jaunt from here to absolute political correctness. Other platitudes I have in my crosshairs include: "That's interesting", "Really!" and "We'll see how it goes". Far more than abstract hedges, these phrases make things easier for everyone. What, after all, would be the point of cornering your conversational partner in any fashion? Better to give up intensity for breathing space, for both parties. The tradeoff is quite likely the quality or interestingness of the conversation; but if you want lively, engaging interactions, there are countless avenues on the Internet, if your heart is in the right place (Reddit, anyone?). Certainly targeted forum-shopping (or what they call "finding your tribe") would beat the roulette of shitheads life provides you at work and in school.

And the gains? Peace of mind knowing that no one thinks you're a dipshit. This must be how Dexter feels - writ small.(Separately, I've just seen a video of myself in conversation. Talk about a sneer! I need to stop hanging out with myself.)

I hear the thoughts of Thomas. "This will never work. You will never go beyond spouting the phrase. In your head, you are still thinking that person stupid."

Ah. Is that what you think? I see I see I see.