Rich Bitch

I've just bought a new apartment. It's actually situated along Alexandra Road, but I tell all my friends (and enemies, especially enemies) that it is in the "Tanglin-River Valley-Jervois" vicinity. This makes me feel very happy and rich (on the odd occasion I tell them, "off Bishopsgate" - as a preposition, what does "off" really mean? language is such a vague thing), except that sometimes people actually want specific directions to get to my place. Then the contortions become slightly more elaborate.

Colin: Hi, I'm along Jervois Lane now. Where is your place again?

Me: Oh, er, just drive straight down. Down JERVOIS Lane.

Colin: Alright, I'm at the end of Jervois Lane. I don't see any condominium.

Me: Uh, are you sure? Look in the direction of Tanglin. TANGLIN. Can you see some tall buildings?

Colin: No. I see Alexandra Road, though.

Me: I live JERVOIS.

Colin: Yes, but I think this is a good class bungalow area. I don't think they'd have condominiums -

Me: They HAVE. Look carefully.

Colin: Oh - did you mean the Tanglin View condominium? The 99 year leasehold one that's already run more than 10 years of its lease? I see its dilapidated silhouette, standing only slightly apart from similar-looking HDBs in the background.

Me: (pause) No. I stay Bishopsgate. Bungalow.

The above exchange might mark me out to be a status-conscious Singaporean, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am the least materialistic person I know (when in doubt, employ subjective arguments). I work in the public sector, drive a Korean car and eat almost exclusively in food courts. My preferred pastimes include sitting on the toilet bowl and reading bargain-basement books (often these two activities happily coincide). My father is an engineer, my mother is an engineer and my brother was an engineer. OK I'm not sure what that proves, but you do get the drift.

So it came as a shock to me when, the other day, someone attempted to expose my ostensible ostentation:

Exposer: So, where you stay last time?

Me: Uhhhh ... Sixth Avenue.

Exposer: Mmmm, Sixth Avenue ah! Rich one ah!

Me: OK lah. My father is an engineer.

Exposer: Nao hia! (To this day I still do not know what this phrase means.) Engineer lemgineer ... stay Sixth Avenue, sure rich one dey! Now stay where?

Me: Tanglin.

Exposer: Fwah! From Sixth Avenue move to Tanglin ... wu ngiah boh? (Ditto.) Your father engineer, but your mother made of gold is it?

Me: Actually, my mother is made of fat. She always eat the egg yolk -

Exposer: Eh, nah bei, dun try to clever clever with me ah. You rich say not rich, hao lian say not hao lian. Just like a char bor, act cute buay cute!

Me: Char bor act cute is quite cute wor? You don't like?

Exposer: Uhhh ... Donch know leh. I guess sometimes quite cute lah, heh heh. Like the Jolin Tsai, she obviously all fake fake one, but wah liew still steam!

Me: In any case your analogy is not very accurate. When the char bor acts cute and is subsequently not cute, her actions are at all times assessed objectively. When I am hao lian but say I am not hao lian, my actions - or words, to be precise - are entirely subjective. As a result, the proper analogy is to a char bor who acts cute and then later says that she does not, in fact, act cute.

Exposer: ... wah ... hadouken

Me: Anyway, where I stay surely is not the final arbiter of whether or not I am hao lian. I might stay in Tanglin, but I have not changed the grey pants I am wearing right now in two weeks. I force my wife to eat McDonald's with me all the time and I refer to people who can only talk about upcoming, concrete events and happenings - as opposed to people who can engage in conceptual discussion - as "lifestylers".

Exposer: Is that the Bomfunk MC song?

Me: No. But how do you know Bomfunk MC?

Exposer: I think he stay Tanglin also. Last time.

Me: I see.

Exposer: Yah, he rock the rock the rock the micrrrrrrophone during Chinese New Year.

Isn't it a drag when people just want to tell you that you are nothing but the sum of your inheritance? But then again, according to Robert Nozick, we are! Of course Nozick was more handsome than he was right, for most part, so we must take his views with some circumspection. Nozick or otherwise, however, there is something to be said for simply adopting an accepting attitude in this regard.

I once had a colleague who got married very early. The aunties in the office gave him stick for this non-stop:

Annoying Auntie: Wah, get married so early hor.

Rich Colleague: Early meh? 24 ... OK what.

Annoying Auntie: Heh heh, for you is OK ... for the rest of Singaporeans, where can so early get married one? Where got money?

Rich Colleague: Savings?

Annoying Auntie: Aiyo, savings can at most buy HDB in Punggol? But you staying Newton ... where got people got rich parents like you!

Rich Colleague: (irritated) We ... took a loan. My parents helped with the downpayment, but we'll be paying them that back.

Annoying Auntie: Haha, don't bluff la, in the end your parents die, the money still go to you. So good one, I wish I have. Life is not fair la, hor!

Rich Colleague: ... I guess. Sorry, I need to do some work now.

Annoying Auntie: Eh, you so rich, why still need to work? Just put in bank and watch the interest grow lah, haha!

Rich Colleague: (fake laugh and leaves)

In my fantasy world, conversations like these are very easily handled:

Annoying Auntie: Wah, get married so early hor.

Me: Yar, not like you, 50 plus still not married. Maybe even still virgin, haha! (Borat voice) Hi-fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Annoying Auntie: (at loss for words) Uh ... for you is OK ... for the rest of Singaporeans, where can so early get married one? Where got money?

Me: That's true! I am very lucky to be born into a rich family, and to find a wife who is not money-grubbing.

Annoying Auntie: So ... your family rich, you just happy happy take parents' money ah? Don't want to work hard to make your mark in the world ah? Don't want to be your OWN MAN ah?

Me: Well, I have taken a loan for $750,000 from the bank ... they have helped with the downpayment, for which I am grateful and will pay back. But other than that, I have to accept what you say. You are right.

Annoying Auntie: Chey. Life is not fair, hor? Some people have all the luck.

Me: It's true, life isn't fair. If I wasn't from a rich family I'd probably be motivated with a different set of priorities, I don't doubt that for a minute. We can only live according to our individual, specific situations, surely? Because how else can we live? I everyday watch Winter Olympics but I never think "Wah how come I never got good at curling". It's just lan lan, Singapore don't have ice. Life gives you lemons, are you going to fly to Denmark to steal pastries?

Annoying Auntie: Your hua1 yan2 qiao2 yu3 is only qiang3 ci2 duo2 li3 one. I dowan to talk to you oredi.

Me: To me, someone who is already very rich already but whole day still scheming about how to get richer, that seems like he lose the plot already lah. But OK, you want to end the conversation the minute things aren't going in your favour, sure. Bye. Nao hia.

Of course, the other extreme is undesirable as well - I used to say to another colleague of mine at lunchtime: "Let me pay lah, I stay Sixth Avenue, you stay Jurong West." Now I know (at great cost): this sort of statement is very extremely kiam pah, and largely disingenuous. All one really needs to get through life, rich or otherwise, is to know one's place, treat people kind, and not to take any one thing too seriously. Contingency is, after all, never really anybody's fault.